Clay

Heaven is for real...no kidding!

2011-10-08T01:04:00.001-04:00

I had to request this book as every friend I know has already read it....when going out to dinner or having coffee we would end us talking about this book, and it would bring each one of them to tears and laughter at the same time....I now have this book, have read it, and can only say the same things my friends have said from day one. READ THIS BOOK....if you have ever had to face grief head on, this is a book that can lead you down a path to healing.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Nick of Time

2011-10-08T01:00:00.001-04:00

I wish I would of known ahead of time that Nick of Time was in the middle of a series, I will most definitely be going back and reading the other books....I can't wait....What others have said about this book are absolutely true...you will LOL, you will scratch your head, and you will have your investigating antennas up....Tim Downs is creative and a true artist when it comes to plot twists. Thank you!

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Max on Life

2011-10-08T00:54:00.000-04:00

With my husband a Seminary Grad, and I myself finishing up my Master's in Counseling, Max Lucado is an author whose books grace our shelves....however I have only read 2 all the way through, I saw this one and instantly wanted to dig in....I was craving tools I can use in my counseling that are practical, reliable, and Biblical based. Lucado does just this. Although most everything in this topical chapter booked are things I have already contemplated and addressed in my own Christian walk, Lucado pulls them together, and make concise and educational conversation on these topics....it will be a resource I will use continuously in the future when I find myself without words...

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Andy Andrew's - Final Summit

2011-06-27T23:53:00.001-04:00

I have not read the first book in this particular Andy Andrews series, the Traveler's Gift, but I heard it would not be an issue. This did prove true, the first few chapters lead you through the story line and catch one up to speed. Normally I would not read a book like this. Although I'm fascinated by history and love learning new things I am not a history buff. I also am a person who loves a great plot that one never knows what is coming next. This book was very predictable and at times repetitive...there we times I wondered if I were reading what I had read the night before by accident. I would recommend this for someone who likes a quick read, and has some time to ponder after on what they have read.

I did receive this book for free in order to review by booksneeze, and am receiving no financial gain.

Bad Girls of the Bible Review

2011-03-26T21:48:00.002-04:00

I love Liz Curtis Higgs! I have been honored to personally spend some time with her, and I can say that her writing is not only intelligently written and theologically sound, but it shows the true spirit of who Liz is and the humor she pours from her. God has blessed her with an amazing perspective on life. Thank you Liz for showing us how to be a true woman of God no matter how bad we may feel....God created women for a reason, the Good, Bad, and the Ugly, all can be used for His good and perfect will....This is a MUST READ!

Of course the Hurt Runs deep..

2011-03-16T22:57:00.001-04:00

This is a good book for someone who is beyond...the first stage of hurt. I have been in a hurt that feels so deep you never know if you will breath again. I think if I read this book I would want to throw it out the window, but now being past the rawness of the pain this book was amazing to help continue the healing. To move forward instead of dwelling in the past.

I would defiantly recommend this book, but for those who are not on the cliff of the desperate moment.

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. All views are my own.

Sun Stands Still

2011-01-24T20:02:00.001-05:00

Part of maintaining and keeping a growing relationship with God is to pray correct? Every time you turn around prayer, prayer and more prayer. This is why I’m glad I’m a prayer….I have felt the power of constant communication with God, my heavenly Father, my Best Friend. However there are days when prayer seems cliché.

Pastor Steven Furtick takes the idea and communication to God through prayer to the next level. Giving purpose to why we need to fall back on God. Knowing and sharing this truth with Furtick there were times when I was absorbed in the reality of how dead on he was, but other time when all I wanted to do was put the book down. To pray is to live by faith, and to live by faith is hard. The steps of obedience explored in the Sun Stands Still: What Happens when you Dare to Ask God for the Impossible, are necessary, but unbelievable difficult if not looked upon in baby steps of going from milk to bread to meat in our daily walk of nutrition with God. Not all of us can have the perspective of Joshua, but each of us can try one day at a time.

The biggest revelation after reading this book was if we are asking God to do something daring in our own lives, how are we going to react when He returns the idea by asking us to DARE to trust in Him.

I received this book free from Multnomah Books as part of their book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Seed of Turmoil - a book worth reading

2011-01-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

Seeds of Turmoil surprised me from the beginning chapter. I work for an organization that reaches out and does Muslim evangelism. Over the past 3 years I have observed how the seeds of Abraham have indeed affected every aspect between Christian and Islamic relations. Wright creates a firm foundation, helping to answer through Biblical references the reasons behind the Middle East turmoil. The title is perfect for the content within, Abraham, the one who bore the seed of the future also bore with it the chaos we see today of an unobtainable peace. On a scale of one to ten, I give this book a 7.5. Well done.

I received this book free from Thomas Nelson as part of their BookSneeze program. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Busy? Renew and Outlive

2010-11-02T23:18:00.001-04:00

Time passes so quickly…work…school…kids…sports…and more we fall into our own little worlds and forget how to step out and move past the motions and live our lives as the first Church lived. Where is our fresh and new excitement? How can we regain this and show our fire for the true and living God? Lucado is a master of bringing truth to life through his analogies and story comparison. For someone who doesn’t know where to go next to regain and display a fresh perspective to their walk with God, this is the book to lead you!

Love, Charleston Review

2010-10-31T23:31:00.001-04:00

Being a romantic I couldn’t wait to receive my copy of Love, Charleston. However opening the pages I grew greatly disappointed as I found myself rereading pages due to the detailed work of the author. Hart finds herself overkilling the development of each character and the activity of the scene. I do not need to know the color, make and model, and the year of the truck a neighbor is driving as well as what he or she is wearing as they wave hello to the main character. I had to put this book down several times to take a breather from the details. Although the story line is good, where this book should have been an easy read, it ended up being tiring.

Immanuel's Veins....A Must Read with Warning.

2010-10-31T23:23:00.000-04:00

As a Ted Dekker fan I was thrilled to read this book and treasured my copy….As each chapter would suck me further into the plot I found myself moving from intrigue to frustration. Part of the story line I found riveting but other parts I could see the righting on the wall. As we knew what the characters were fighting against as the reader, the protagonist did not. Decisions he made through the book left me aggravated and literately talking to the character as if my advice could reach through the pages and wake him up to reality. This may be genius of Dekker, but it also was one of those times where I just wanted to put the book down, yet so intrigued I couldn’t. I must read, but warning…it may get hairy once into the thick of the story.

The Butterfly Effect

2010-09-08T22:33:00.002-04:00

Very familiar with the idea of the butterfly effect, where the wind of a butterfly on one side of the world could change the course on the other, I was extremely excited to see what Andy Andrews had to say with this title. I was amazed at what I found. Andrews did his research and wove the stories of the lives of men and women throughout history who created one path of change and therefore led others in history to continue with forward movement. He carefully unfolds the story through use of different font, short phrases (cliffhangers) on each page, and use of illustrations brings to life the emotions each historical character may of felt at the awe of hard work paid off. It was a joy to read, and a wonderful coffee table book. Definitely a conversation starter!

The Boy Who Changed the World!

2010-09-08T22:22:00.003-04:00

As a children's version of the newest book on The Butterfly Effect, The Boy Who Changed the World hold captivation imagery. A story line of how one person gave life to another person's idea, begging a history long story line of inventions changing our ways of life could be nothing short of proof of God's creativity. Yes the tapestry of God's plan continues to unfold in the most unique ways even outside the circle of Christianity. He is the very one who created the idea of 6 degrees of separation. I would highly recommend this book for children who are either in love with history or need to find truth and fun in history. It is a little long winded for the younger crowd, however intrigue in how each invention and how it had come from something previous will hold even the most ADHD child. My child is currently 3, however this will be one book I will be honored to pull out in a few years for her!

Green - Ted Dekker

2010-08-03T21:15:00.001-04:00

As the pages turned in my first introduction to Ted Dekker, Black absorbed my interest quicker than most books. Day after day I would sneak away and read chapter upon chapter. Faster than anticipated I was finished with Black, moved into Red, and then completed White. I enjoy fiction, however Dekker’s characters no longer felt like fiction, emotions over took me as each page was turned. I could feel the anger, love, fear, and courage each character went through. Devastated the series was over I was THRILLED to see Dekker struck again and introduced Green. Wow a book that could be the beginning and the end. Not a prequel but a complete circle. The idea was genius to the idea behind the whole series, yet something I didn’t see coming.

Dekker did an excellent job working back through each character. Considering most of us who had read his book have taken a few years from the story, the idea that this book could be the beginning and the end yet go in detail over characters worked. If I had read all 4 books back to back I may of found myself a little bored in the beginning. Yet new characters were developed, yet knowing how great the first 3 were I wanted to dive into the store hook line and sinker. I would say I may be a little confused by some of the concepts of Green and the Great Romance and how Dekker puts a face on Evil if I had not read through the first 3 books.

I would have to wonder as well in what mood Dekker was in when writing this book. It is more intense in the evil department. Makes me wonder just how even our world has become. The book speaks truths and in some ways this reality is more than I would like to admit.

Dekker strikes again! A must read, but highly recommend to read Green last, but then again that would mean I recommend all 4!!

What in the World is Going on Book Review

2009-10-05T22:30:00.001-04:00

Dr. David Jeremiah wrote a phenomenal book on the end times. Although many books have been written from a fictional story or time line point of view, Dr. Jeremiah looks to our current news and favorite TV shows to reference signs that the end may indeed be near. Bringing together scripture and reality into an editorial perspective provides an interesting dynamic as one may chose to explore the signs of Revelation and the end of the world as we know it.

As fascinating as each of the 10 chapters were, I found it hard to connect that all 10 clues could be valid. Two of the eight chapters helped to sign light on the theories behind the Prophetic Clues of the Ruptured Church and Jesus’ second coming, however unlike the other eight chapters no clear clues of the solidarity of its soon to be reality was apparent.

Other chapters help reinforce the path that history has taken in order to prepare us for the future of the end of the world. Islamic and Oil relations are just one of these areas. If you are one for history and puzzle connecting, Dr. Jeremiah’s book What in the World is Going on is highly recommended. Take your time thinking through each chapter and coming to terms with just how history’s thread has woven itself through our lives in a way that will accomplish what needs to be done in order for Christ apparent return.

Wow too much has happened, hang on!!!

2007-07-08T19:48:00.001-04:00

So the last time I wrote was in August and now it's July??? Where have I been? Funny pretty much everywhere. Since my last post I have become a mother, yes a mother. I am 6 months pregnant and finally learning to enjoy it after 5.5 months of extreme morning (24/7) morning sickness and exhaustion. The baby is kicking like no other and my husband and I are finally letting the fact that we are parents sink in. I just keep remember the expression on my brother in law's face when he was carring his son for the first time out of the delivery room. He was dazed, nervous, and bewildered on how this little life was going to change the rest of his life.

I am feeling the same way. I walk by the nursery and wonder what kind of changes will soon be coming once there is a little one sleeping (or not sleeping) in the crib.

I also am about to complete my first full year of gradschool. I am happy to report it has been a success so far. I want to laugh in the face of those, including schools who turned me down, who said I couldn't do it. Ha, is what I say, and Go Jen is another phrase that comes to mind. I'm here for a reason and my passion for my major and dream of counseling is not just a misc thought, but my destiny.

Our 2 year old dog who has been a joy and a pain all in one breath is finally come into her own and is a wonder to be around. She's a doll and we look forward to many laughs once our little bundle of joy enters this world to meet her big hairy 80lb black lab/greatdane mixed sister, hehe.

Well that's all for now, there is so much to write and so little time....

Forget Yesterday and Push for tomorrow

2006-08-19T20:50:00.000-04:00

I did it, I am now in Grad School officially. I have received my books, printed my syllabus and am looking excitedly at the future of my Graduate career. Why am I so excited? 3 long years I have waited for this. I have overcome the fear and released the anxiety and finally forgot and moved pasted all the failings of yesterday and am pressing forward toward tomorrow.

Where has my ambition come from you may ask yourself. Well I may have been to hell and back in the past 7 years but I have stood the test of time, the test of trials, the tests that Job himself faced and I still stand, I look toward the sky and what do I see? I see hope, I see joy and I see a future because my Savior lives. I may not know when the storms come and go, I may be in the middle of one right now, I am surrounded as the disciples were. No end in site, however I look across the dark and murky sea and again what do I see? The same thing I see when I looked to the sky, I see hope, I see a future, I see my Savior walking across the water. Not only is he walking but he is running toward me to comfort me and surround me with his love.

It's like the song from Casting Crowns. I will Praise you in this Storm. Why? Because it is a storm and who knows a storm better than the very creator of the storm? God you are Guide, my Protector, and again my Savior. I will fear no evil because you are with me!

What does this all have to do with Grad school. More than you could ever know. When I take one step forward (grad school) I feel as though the devil is sending me 2 steps back (the stormy trial my family and I are going through). No longer will I fear the 2 steps back because I know that is where God wants me, on His path, walking next to him. No longer will it be two steps back in my mind, but just one extra step that I have been given to walk with my Lord.

So here is to Grad School, a new journey admist the old!

The Maiden Name Curse ~~~

2006-08-02T10:57:00.000-04:00

Here I am almost 3 years into my marriage with many wonderful unforgettable experiences, and many that have (lets just say) are making me stronger, making my marriage stronger....and I'm still experiencing the Maiden Name Curse. Now I really don't believe much in curses, but to be part of the family legion I come from you would start to believe in curses.

1.) When I was born I put my mom through 40 hours of labor and she still needed a c-section. Once they cut her open they had to push me out, because as she puts it I was holding on to her for dear life.

2.) Every vacation growin up not only did it rain every day (on every vacation, I'm not lying, that's almost 15 vacations) but something bad would happen.
a.) my sister slammed her thumb in a glass closet 5 minutes after we got to disney
world and were in the hotel. We spent 5 hours in an emergency room in florida.
b.) my mom gave herself sun poisoning and had to leave my sister and I in a hotel room
with my grandparents while they spent the whole night in the ER
c.) my dad broke his ankle
d.) the lists goes on and on, most of the time we were just wickedly sick

3.) I just bought a brand new MacBook Pro. Took it home, it's one out of a million that has a software issue, I have to take it back. This second computer within 2 months doesn't want to eject my DVD's back to me, so it's in the shop

4.) My dad dropped an expensive camera in a whitewater rapids ride at a local theme park

5.) My mom homeschooled me for my 6th grade year, but then became ill, I spent the whole year making mac and cheese and watching the price's right. Needless to say I passed the test at the end of the year, LOL

6.) My mom broke her leg walking across our yard on my parents way into the house from and evening out celebrating their anniversary. Not too bad, but she broke the only bone in your foot you never want to break.

7.) After I finally had a reliable car, brand new saturn, 3 months into owning it I had a hit and run and have a big battle scar.

the list continues on and on. Basically the curse of my maiden name is as follows. Nothing ever is easy, nothing happens as it's supposed to, and once something does happen it take moving a mountain to fix it. My family created the murphies law and every day of our lives we are cursed to prove to the world that it is true. Even getting married did not help. You cannot run, you cannot hide..I'm sorry to all my furture children that the curse of my maiden name will be upon you.

.....maybe if I adopt. hehe.

L.I.F.E A four letter word

2006-07-26T13:41:00.000-04:00

If one were to look at life, they would see an abundance of 4 letter words. A first KISS, but then DUMP(ed), You are BORN, then you are DEAD. You eat FOOD, dream WISH(es), GOAL(s), and so much more. What I guess I'm getting at is that LIFE is full of ups and downs and most of the time they are on opposite ends of the spectrum of emotions. Why is that? Why can you be going along and boom when you least expect it you are catabulted from midstream to danger break down mood emotion meltdown, or amazing over the top can't stand still joy.

I wasn't born to be an extremist, why is my life following the path of one?

So I say....."Some go through life never knowing what living is, but I am on a path of fullness, and will experience each situation that comes to the fullest extent. The middle is not a place for me, I may not enjoy the catapult life, but I will not die without knowing that each day in my life I knew what it meant to breath and feel the breath fill my lungs and leave through slow exhale.

So here's to LIFE, may it always be a four letter word, the words that carry passion, substance, and forever mold our existense.

half way to sanity

2006-05-08T18:09:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day....Why might you say I believe it was a good day, becasue I think I'm half way to sanity.

I've managed to pull through some of the darkest moments of my life and see the brighter side. First sign of sanity is as follows:

1.) My dog crapped on my dining room floor this morning and I didn't have an emotional break down
2.) My husband wants us to buy a 2,000 dollar computer and I'm not freaking out, I'm taking it slow and actually looking forward to it.
3.) My grandfather has cancer and I'm 400 miles away and I'm actually okay.

Over and over again I'm seeing God's faithfulness fill me with joy and peace. Sure I had a monday morning mood, but I took a deep breath and shed off the fog and sun was there to take it's place.

My profound thought for the day...... It's a choice on whether or not we want the fog to life or if we want to dwell in the shadows of that pea soup thickness of dirty muck we call moodiness??

I say let the FOG LIFT!!! Lets live and live to the fullness that life and love has to offer.

Spinning Spinning Round and Round

2006-03-29T16:47:00.000-05:00

Today I felt the need to write. I needed to express the locked feelings inside of my very being. Spinning out of control so to speak.

I wanted this entry to be positive, it's the first one I've written this year, 2006, and well I don't think this will make it as a positive entry.

From order into chaos is how the world is going. However my life seems to stream from Chaos into even more Chaos, okay it's time I finally explain myself.

Work, School, Home life, everything that I touch, everywhere I go my life is out of the norm forever changing. I hate change, I can't handle change and I need a safe haven. HELP me find a safety net, something I can fall into and know I won't shatter into a million pieces.

God help me!!! David cried out to you and you listened, are listening for my voice!! why do I feel a deaf ear?

Risen from a 20 day break and alive

2005-12-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

To my avid 2 readers I apologize for the long delay. Today I felt like waking up from my long 20 day nap of letting my thoughts and feelings wander through outer space. They needed a breath of fresh air so to speak.

Ahh the holidays some of us dread the season and some start counting the days as soon as the turkey is finally laid to rest. 360 more days till the next Santa visit right? Well I fall somewhere in between. Christmas seems to be a time that I love to look forward to but once I am in the think of it I go anxiety crazy!! I know why, but at this time do not wish to divulge what happens behind the therapist door right now. But I survived the first 2/3rds of the holiday season.

I secretly would say that New Years is my favorite holiday. Why? Well I can usually pick what I want to do, do I want to cuddly up with a blanket and my husband and eat lots of fried food and watch the ball drop, or do I want to go out with friends, throw my own party, or well one year I even went to sleep at 9pm that night (but for those who laughed I was just as sick as my friend Midwestern - See her latest entry to know just how sick that is). So yes, New Years, a time for new beginnings, a time for celebrating you survived both sets of parents, a time to do whatever you want and a full day off of work to recover! Thank you for making a year only 365 days because well any longer and I might just not survive.

Things are going alright for me though. I'm currently contemplating wanting a baby. Half of me can't wait, but the other half is selfish. Giving up my Saturday morning sleep in times I don't know if I can handle it. I'm already in therapy now! Giving my my saturdays may just put me over. I figured I'll wait a little longer, pour out my love on my two nephews (one biological and one adopted - best friend's child).

My husband and I are slowly rebuilding everything that was lost. It's a hard fact of life that once trust and respect have disappeared it sucks to look down the infamously long road of recovery. It reminds me of the stories our grandparents always joke about. You both (referring to my 2 readers) know the ones: "we had to walk up hill both ways to school in the snow with no shoes" Well now I know how they feel. Surviving what I've gone through was walking up a hill feeling like you were about to fall of a cliff to your fate, and then repairing is walking up a hill as well.

The one thing I know is that I'm okay with walking up that hill as long as my husband is walking up it too.

Not much else to say..... So here's to a new year, new beginnings, and a huge hill to walk up. If you see me just wave and encourage me to keep walking. May there never be a down hill day because that is the day that hope stops living in me!

Never ending thoughts

2005-12-09T13:55:00.000-05:00

They say your brains hypothalamus is what helps you quite down. It controls your body when you are unconscious. Well for some reason I think I have a malfunctioning Hypothalamus.

Lately, even when my eyes seem so weak they won't stay open, my brain is running a mile a minute. Up and down my thoughts run. I hear you can lose as many calories in a 40 minute study session from thinking as you can in a 20 minute work out. Of this I'm sure is true because all this thinking is wearing me out! HELP!

Last night I was plagued with nightmares, today I'm plagued with useless thoughts that arouse no real conversation or intelligent thought to dwell on. What is wrong with me? Is this healthy. Will my hypothalamus wear out? It's only meant to work half a day and then the other half tells my body to breath in and out every few seconds and tells my heart to beat. I hope the over active past couple of weeks will not shorten my life span.

I know most of it has to do with my stress level. What makes the holidays this stressful. MONEY. Why on a holiday made out of giving gifts comes the highest stress level. Most of my problem comes with the fact I like to give too much. If I weren't female I would most likely give the shirt off my back. Wait until I have kids, I have a feeling my poor husband will pull what little hair he has right off his head!

Is this really life as we know it?

2005-12-07T10:14:00.000-05:00

Many people use the phrase, "Life as we know it". When I think of this phrase I am beside myself because well I don't want to live life the life I know. I want to examine my life and improve it or change it.

Last night I ran media shout at my church for a ladies Christmas banquet (basically a fancy power point program). Now for the most part I really do not enjoy women's events. First I've been dragged to them all my life mostly my grandmothers church where growing up everyone squeezed my cheek and talked in front of me about how cute I or my sister was. Come on by the age of 5 you know when someone is talking about you. Don't treat me like I'm not standing there. And secondly now as an adult when I go I never know anyone and everyone already has there own little click. Hence what happens is I get stuck at a table with people I don't know and they don't know each other so we all eat in peace while watching everyone else laughing and joking with one another.

Last night was different though. I was behind the scenes and felt like I wasn't on display. I was a volunteer. Here the music in the back ground "dududuhah" okay so I tried to spell it. Moving on....

turns out that when all was said and done and the speaker was on and my job done I sat back ready for what I thought was going to be a boring speaker and snooze time for me. Kicking back relaxed in the tech booth . To my surprise the woman spoke on something that hit me so close to home I was on the edge of the tech booth step listening to every word! I even splurged and spent 20 dollars on her book about her story.

We all have a secret club she says. Here's was about her rape and that she now knows things she never wanted to know before, she now has a story when she never wanted a story, just a life with her children.

I have a secret club, one that only few know about and well I now know things I never wanted to know before. She spoke with such clarity over the pain she had gone through and over how hard it was to heal. It was the first person in a long time who said there was hope but that hope was very very hard to achieve.

Most people feel sorry for me or look at me differently, and say the dreaded "I know it's hard" but I wanted someone to hug me and tell me it's okay to feel the way I feel. It's okay to feel loss, despair, confusion. Once I get over this stage then come back and tell me there is healing.

I may be healing slowly, but I'm not ready to see that healing. Just let it happen, don't tell me what to feel or how because you don't know what it feels like to be in my secret club.

You may have a secret club yourself. Poverty, Rape, Abuse, affairs, Eating Disorders, and so many more. Know you are not alone!

God has a funny way of doing things. Why me is all I keep asking and he keeps telling me why not me. Look at how he suffered and he was the sun of God. Who am I to say I shouldn't suffer myself.

Those very words kill me to say. I don't want to suffer and every selfish bone in my body wants to say I'm worthy of a better life, I'm worthy of more money, nicer cars, and a thinner body. The truth is I'm worthy of nothing but death and that is a hard pill to swallow! So here is to being in a secret club where pain and sadness surrounds, but here is to God being right there in that secret club with me because well he had pain and abuse as well.

So back to my question, is this really life as we know it? NO I believe not because well I refuse to stay in this life. I will move on and although I will always be a member of this new club I've joined 2 months ago I refuse to dwell on the fact that I'm here. Life as I know it will always change.

No Words of Wisdom from this Mouth

2005-12-01T10:33:00.000-05:00

My new hobby (which my husband tends to roll his eyes at) is crocheting. Don't ask me why, I've never liked sewing, and I've attempted to crochet in the past and it has ended up being the disaster that got away. However now I know three very strong stitches and have made 4 scarves and am currently about to finish a blanket.

Why all this talk about something so mediocre, well I'm finally good at something. I can finally do something my sister can't, that others enjoy and that makes me feel as if I've accomplished something. I can turn something so chaotic into something beautiful, well at least I hope beautiful.

Needless to say my crocheting does not allow me to do much of my other hobby; reading. Hence I have finally succumb to the laziness of getting from the library book on CD. Yes my eyes work fine and I have time to read yet I would rather crochet and watch TV or listen to music and then turn around and drive to work listening to someone read to me. HOW LAZY CAN ONE BE?? Very I might add.

Anyway I'm currently listening to a book by James Patterson. I love mystery's and psycho things. I was a psych major what can I say? You have to be crazy to help right? This book is about as whacked out and unrealistic a book I have ever read. But the feelings are so real that I can't stop listening.

Why is it that the most outrageous things in life are the ones that seem to touch us most? Why do we look to the unrealistic to deal with realism in our lives?

So no true words of wisdom....Only meaningless thoughts....Or are they so meaningless....Maybe they are a way to cope. Am I running? Am I hiding?

I think I'm for once in my life I am looking myself in the mirror and noticing what is truly there. No longer do I see the blank stare or the gray skin. Even though there is pain there is finally realism in my life. God has closed the curtain to my play and allowed me to finally be a real person. No more acting. What you see is what you get. Wounds or no wounds Jennifer is finally a real person.

R ~ E ~ S ~ P ~ E ~ C ~ T

2005-11-30T10:45:00.000-05:00

Respect, it's not such a hard thing to earn for the average person. You meet someone you give them the benefit of the doubt that they are a normal and decent human being and then through a short amount of time you form a level of respect. This level can start out small and insignificant, basically just a level of human decency, and as it grows it becomes higher.

The problem with respect is that in one instant it can be lost. You lie once and get caught, you break something, or you miss manage money, anything can happen and the respect you have earned from a person can be seen flying a mile a minute out the window. I look at it kind of like my dog. When she gets off her leash and is running around the house from the front yard to the back over and over again barking and laughing at my husband and I, it is impossible to know if and when we can catch her. Basically it boils down to her being caught when she wants to be. We don't know when she is going to calm down and return to the safety of our home. The harder we chase her the faster and farther she runs.

Respect in a sense is like this. Once you have a human moment (long or short moment) and make a mistake and see the respect leave you cannot chase after it. The harder you try and earn it the more evasive it becomes. Only when we relax and be who we are, love how we know how to love, and give space and honesty to the person we are attempting to gain respect from do we finally prove that we deserve to be RESPECTED.

Trust and respect are a gift from someone. God has instilled in us the ability to love and make decisions out of free will. Because we are human and do things to lose respect, should be not realize that we are human in trying to respect someone who has harmed us?

We may think because we love God and he is our best friend that things are hunky dorry however Paul is my role model at this time. He writes:

What anyone else dares to boast about am speaking as a fool I also dare to boast about. Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham's descendants? So am I. Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers.

I pray thaI i never have to deal with what he went through. My spirit feels as though I have at times. Today is a new day with new ideas and new challenges. Bring it on God because right now only you can help me survive! As long as you know what is coming I'm okay with it.

Jazzy so to speak

2005-11-28T09:16:00.000-05:00

I'm currently reading a book entitled "blue like Jazz" If you haven't heard of it, it is a non religious view of Christianity. I was intrigued when I first started reading it, but now I'm hooked. Why am I hooked on someone who may or may not believe the same things I do but sits down to explore and write about the topic anyway? Because the thoughts running through the author's head mimic my thoughts.

It's one of those revelations you get in high school when you finally find the courage to say something you think or feel and are scared stiff that no one will like you or understand. Then suddenly as if a portal opens and truth is revealed you find out that almost everybody in the room thinks or feels the same way you do. It is amazing! If you want to put a word to it.

Why are we so afraid of what others are going to think? We are all human. We were created to have opinions, ideas, and original thoughts. Just because your thoughts are not the same as mine does not mean that your opinion is any less than mine. However when we speak our minds we must not just ramble as if the words are worthless. The author, Donald Miller, writes about a C.S. Lewis poem he's read. A line in the poem reads "I talk of love-a scholar's parrot may talk Greek"

It took me a second to realize why this poem would be in the book but Miller continues to explain in his words, "I sat there above the city wondering if I was like the parrot in Lewis's poem, swinging in my cage, reciting Homer, and all the wile having no idea what I was saying. I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? He continues on, his point being that he is protesting selfish behavior yet he is very selfish himself.

It's amazing how our views can be so right yet our actions following those views can turn dangerously toward evil/wrong.

This weekend I felt weak inside. I felt as if my world was on the edge about to fall once again. I kept waiting for the gavel to fall yet it didn't. God is healing my wounds, but I'm so wounded that the healing is taking too long. With each wound that heals another one forms. It's as if I don't have enough "skin" to cover all the cuts. Where is God's skin graph machine? I need to heal. right now the raw wounds are killing me.

God hug me! Please! just hug me once and I know I can make it through another day.

The fight is on: Human vs The World

2005-11-15T10:43:00.000-05:00

Contrary to popular belief we as humans can handle more than we give ourselves credit for. The difference is how we handle situations. For instance if you have been reading my posting you will most likely see that the past couple of months have been painful and filled to the brim with life circumstances beyond my control. However you would think this life would stop and offer my sympathy in the little things.

True and Untrue. Surrounded by love in the strangest ways I have been encouraged and uplifted despite the negativity and discouragement this world has thrown at me. I have chosen not to give up on my life, on my beliefs, and on my trust in healing. People I would of never expected to help in my process of reviving my torn and tattered life and come running to my aid. Of course they don't know my life is in shambles, but somehow just calling me or writing me to see how my day is going was enough for me to smile or give a small chuckle and continue on.

However the untruth to life giving me a break lies in little things as well. For instance I found out yesterday on my way home from work that my dog had chewed through her second harness. She is too strong for a collar and chokes herself severely but she can't stand the harness idea either. No matter how careful my husband and I are with chasing her around the house preventing her from chewing on her own clothing she tends to find a quite corner when we fail to watch and chew until her hearts content. Money being thrown out the window and discouragement sets in as I feel failure fast approaching on my dog and her trailing capabilities.

Secondly work is fine.....Until the carpet cleaners come....I am allergic to the very chemical sprays they used. I left work a mess last night, throat closed, coughing, breathing issues and eye swelling. No I was not crying out of my tattered life, I was crying because I couldn't help it, my tear ducts were screaming save us save us from this awful chemical! I only cease to get over the effects of the cleanest floor in the universe to find myself returning to the torture device my cubicle has now become. The tears have returned. To think just last night I told a friend the tears of my tattered life are done. There is no more emotion left to cry, well here I am tearing up over a floor.

Imagine with me once again how I have to view the funniest things in life and circumstantial evidence that the world is having fun at my expense. What do I have to say to that? Go ahead world take your best shot. I have proven over and over again that humans are stronger than you think, and well with God's promise that He will give me only what I can with stand maybe this third harness I'm about to buy will be the one my dog will not chew through. Maybe the world will take a breather in it's corner as I go to God and become renewed ready and willing to face the next fight when the bell rings.

I may lose certain rounds in this boxing challenge, but I know in the end I will win the match and in my mind that is the battle the matters most.

FEAR ~ Cast out the worry ~ not that easy

2005-11-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

Fear is scary, that may seem like a repetitive thing to say but it is true none the less. It is always a struggle to keep fear at bay. There is a good fear, as in fearing the Lord, or fearing fire because you know it is going to burn your hand. Then there is a fear of the unknowing, to sit here and know I am about to face what could be the biggest knowledge of my life is a little unsettling.

The Word tells us to have no fear for the Lord God almighty is here. How to we avoid being fearful? It is not so easy is it?

Can something dead bloom again?

2005-11-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

To die is to feel void and empty, broken beyond repair. How can something dead learn to live once again?

Feeling so alone and numb to feelings can hurt almost as bad as starting to feel again. Stay numb is to stay safe right? Of is it letting death defeat and win?

My question is can something so dead and numb know when it's okay to start to bloom and become alive again. When do you know the pain is too much and the time is not right, or when to work through the pain in order to regain life once again?

Calming the Storm...

2005-11-07T12:44:00.000-05:00

I should not be surprised, but the sermon this past week was about Samuel's annointing of Saul and how the Israelites received their first king due to a Donkey hunt. No lie. Yet some how through the scriptures we find out that it was not just any random Donkey hunt, but one that God had planned. He had sent Saul to Samuel......

The randomness of life is not so random to me any more. I always knew God had a plan for my life and was directing it, however I also thought that somethings are random indeed. In Jr High or Highschool a girl sang for one of our Chapels (went to a private school) the song she sang had the phrase, "Sometimes he calms the storm, but othertimes he calms his child." From that day I have never forgotten that song. Through the hardships I am facing right now I feel like I'm in a bubble created by God walking acrossed a dark and angry sea, right now I truly believe that instead of the storm he is calming me and my relationship.

Never a dull moment, yet never a moment alone when you are walking hand in hand with God. The funny thing is that I don't think most of my life I have been hand in hand with him. I belive instead of walking he has been carrying me. May his hand never leave my side and may his arms never cease to carry me. I claim that promise today and forward.

Don't ever forget in the storm there is a voice calling out to "Be still and know he is God" He is the one who creates storms, isn't that reassuring that he can stop them too! May the words of the song touch and remind you of this promise just as they did me.

Sometimes He Calms the Storm
recorded by Scott Krippayne, written by Tony Wood & Kevin Stokes

All who sail the sea of faith
find out before too long
how quickly blue skies can grow dark
and gentle winds blow strong.
Suddenly fear is like white water
pounding on the soul.
Still we sail on knowing
that our Lord is is control.

Sometimes He calms the storm
with a whispered "Peace be still."
He can settle any sea,but it doesn't mean He will.
Sometimes He holds us close
and lets the wind and waves go wild.
Sometimes He calms the storm,
and other times He calms His child.

He has a reason for each trial
that we pass through in life.
And though we're shaken
we cannot be pulled apart from Christ.
No matter how the driving rain beats down
on those who hold to faith,
a heart of trust will always
be a quiet peaceful place.

Sometimes He calms the storm
with a whispered "Peace be still."
He can settle any sea,
but it doesn't mean He will.
Sometimes He holds us close
and lets the wind and waves go wild.
Sometimes He calms the storm,
and other times He calms His child.
-© 1995 BMG Songs, Inc.-

Clay + Fire = beauty

2005-11-03T15:16:00.000-05:00

To be transformed by fire is hot. You never know when the heat will be turned up, when the water will come, and when the relief is near. All you see is sitting in the flames and feeling the pain. You are too scared to look down for fear that you are burning, and you are too afraid to cry because fire absorbs water.

How do you survive? The answer is all in the pain. If you are not burned then you will not shine. You will stay soft and pliable more apt to be crushed. To be burned is to become strong, to feel the glaze harden up and to start to see the beauty of the carvings and colors that the potter has created in you.

Cool refreshing water can be found in the Potters hands. Once the kilm is finished to be dipped in water is to be cleansed of the soot and the shame of the fire and to be transformed into something you can use.

Today I feel more secure and beautiful than ever before. I feel that even though I'm walking through the storm I feel as if I'm walking on water surrounded by angels walking me over the waves. never before have I felt this at peace because I know without fail that I would not be here if my heavenly Father was not carrying me through the storm.

there is a famous song that says "sometimes he calms the storm, and other times he calms his child" The storm continues but he has calmed my heart.

His plan will succeed!!

There will always be a Sarah Angie......

2005-11-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

Growing up a girl picked on me all the time. Her name was Sarah Angie and she invaded my life from 1st grade through highschool. This girl was so mean just looking at her if you weren't her friend made you cry. She was the verbal abuse champion of the world.

My parents told me, "honey, we understand and feel your pain and will help you in whatever way possible, however know that as you grow older you will always have someone in your life that is a thorn in your side." As I grew up I realized the wisdom of these words.

Today at 24 I realize that the thorns will never go away and to learn to live with them has grown to be a challenge. How do you learn to handle a thorn. If you handle a rose carefully thorns and all you can avoid being cut. In reality if you try to handle a thorny person carefully you can get cut and burned at the same time. If you handle them sternly they only dig deeper.

The question I'm to ponder is the world supposed to accept the reality that thorns will be thorns and you will be cut no matter what? This doesn't seem fair, there should be a way to avoid confrontation?

So today I look at my life and see the Sarah Angie's coming out of the wood work and wonder will I have have my rose with out the thorns.

The Potter's Hand

2005-10-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

All look to fulfill their lives, to know that when they die someone will stand above a head stone and say this person existed. Not everyone looks to be famous or to make a lot of money or even to be popular, just to have someone in this world know they were here. To leave a finger print once their life is through.

How do you fulfill your life? How do you leave a finger print? To be molded like clay by the world, tossed and turned in the winds of life's ever changing patterns. To be pulled one way and then another. One may win the lotto or lose their job, or win the olympics or fall and never walk again. How can we control the way this world mold's us? The answer is easy we can't.

Our real question should be why do we think it's the world? If we look at the world and all it has to offer we should be scared that it would be the one to mold us into who we are. In reality it is God who is the Potter. I would give anything to be the clay in His gentle loving and knowing hands, and the great thing I can rest assured in is that I am in His hands. I will leave a finger print in this world because He placed me here for a reason and with this reason I have life, I have a reason to live.

This past month the world has tried to mold me into it's shape, into it hard course way of life, however over and over I have told myself it is not for the world to decide if I am fragile, or if i should be short or tall or if I should be thrown away and to start over again. It is for God to pick me up and recondition me to be the tool he wishes me to be.

My most common thoughts when it comes to the almighty Potter is one that it is not up to us to fix the cracks or worry about why they are there, it is up to us to be willing to go through the kilm of refinery to be healed. Some times those cracks are deep and water leaks out, but maybe that water is meant to help fill the thirst of someone else, or to cool and ease the pain of the wilting flowers beneath who have been praying for rain? Our cracks are there for a reason and we are not to feel that we are going to be thrown aside because we are inperfect.

However we should not let the cracks continue to bother us either? We should seek God for healing and in the end place ourselves over and over again in "The Potter's Hand"